This entry has been inspired by a comment on a previous entry by Nash over at Drift. He asked: I wonder if things have changed with the F/B now you're dating other guys? Have you told him? Does it make a difference to you or him? Your readers are curious!
I have wondered how I would go about FB if and when (let's be positive!) I have a partner. Being into the ideal of monogamy, it would have to end. This would be a loss for me and hence would bring about grief. The loss would not be about the sex with him (although that is pretty damn good and would take some beating!!) but about my relationship with him. 'Cause lets face it - I do love the man....I'm not 'in love' with him (after much work on my part early on!), but I do love him. We connect on more than a physical level when we're together.
I often think about love and what it really is - I can't think about it for too long, otherwise my head starts to hurt! I mean there are so many components to love and types of love - you can love your Grandma, your cat, chocolate and sex and they would all mean something different. I'm sure if you asked ten people to define/describe love involved with an intimate partner, you'd get ten different answers. There's love when your heart beats irregularly and your mind is addled, there's love that is the warmth of familiarity, there's love that is challenge and growth.............Is it possible to find these different aspects of love in one relationship? I have experienced the love that makes my heart beat irregularly and addles my mind, but only on a short term basis with someone who is bigger in my fantasy life than my real life. Is that love or is it lust? Can I expect to feel that on a long term basis?
My head is beginning to hurt!
Any thoughts to add to my headache gratefully received.
btw - No I haven't told FB I'm dating other guys.
7 comments:
Love is where you want to give more than you care about receiving. In a relationship love will change progressively in time and take on many forms. The lust and racing heart my die down a little, but in its place a stronger love can develop. I don't think one partner can provide everything; you need other people to maintain a fullness of life and shouldn't expect one person to 'complete' you. In terms of sex though - your fuck buddy (who it appears you do love) will probably have to take a different role - but that role I guess is up to you and your new partner to decide... But you're right - everyone will probably have a different take on this...
Aha! First of all, you'd better disregard part of my latest comment over at 'drift'...
This is a great post Campbell, but maybe that's partly because I have some hindsight to fall back on (so my head is not so muddled about LOVE these daze. Well, not ALL the time)
Yesterday I had a 'loving' phone conversation with one of my closest friends (he lives in Melb, I'm here in Syd). I truly adore him and over the 11 years we've known each other I've experienced all those different aspects of love you talk about. It started with the irregular heart beats and addled mind, the challenges came soon after and now we have the warmth of familiarity and more. Throughout it all there has been growth. I love where we are now - things are great between us, but it has taken time. Other friends have said how amazed they are that my relationship with this man has reached such a wonderful point - there's a load of equality/equanimity now, which was lacking before. And the love is deep and mutual
I read a comment on someone's blog recently (maybe Marc Olmsted's) where they talked about gay men finding loving friendships after being initially brought together by sex/lust. In a lot of cases I think it rings true.
One thing I know is that if (deep down) you hang onto hopes that the F/B will become something more, you block anyone new coming into your life. I dare you to tell him you're dating(!).
One of the main things in exploring love/lust is to have fun and be kind to yourself. Down the track it will all make more sense
cheers
Trevor - thanks for fleshing out the dynamic nature of love. I guess love will always be an organic and dynamic thing as it involves humans who are also these things.
Nash, the relationship you describe sounds beautiful, something very precious to be grateful for and nurture and sustain. While I would like something more with FB I have come to the acceptance that that won't be - because of his circumstances. The work I have done is on coming to that acceptance. But you may be right - perhaps there will always be a small block there.
While I would like love to make more sense, I hope it never makes total sense, as I reckon that's part of its nature.
Thanks for a wonderful post, Campbell. You're right about that unknown aspect of love being part of its nature. Just imagine if we DID know all its intricacies - there'd be no romance, no passion, no love songs, no Celine Dion...
Well, perhaps we could do without one of the above!
hhmmmm....any prizes for guessing which one?
Let's ask your readers!
Interesting comment by Nash about Gay men and lust becoming loving friendships... I think I have managed that with my Ex.. but its been a painful 2 year process to get there. A process of adjustment of expectations etc.. but Now we are very close. It also made me realise that I could love more than one person and possibly in different ways.. but ultimately at anyone point in time you can only love one above all... i.e. there are degrees and levels of love. It so damned complicated. Mummy never told me it would be..
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