I read Dan's latest blog (My Life in the Slow Lane (I really do have to learn how to link!)) on his coming out to his parents and it took me back to my own experience. He was braver than I was as I initially wrote to my parents to tell them (despite only being suburbs away!). This had two benefits. It meant they could have an emotional response without having to worry about how that would affect me. It also meant I didn’t have to experience their initial reaction (yes, selfish I know!).
In many ways it was a non-event. We’re a family who doesn’t express our emotions very much with each other and we are also quite private, even with each other – very waspy! We’ve not really discussed it at all since. They really have very little idea of what my life as a gay man entails. This is a reflection of their knowledge of my life as a whole. Sad really, but that’s the way we are.
Anyway, reading Dan’s blog got me thinking of how we, as gay people, are often called on to be the educators of not only the larger society but the smaller communities of which we are a part, such as families and work colleagues. I guess this is so of most minorities. We can’t expect people to suddenly change the way they think and feel about a group of people, just because they are made aware that one of ‘those people’ are in their midst (and actually have been for a long time). We need to be patient in allowing people to work through what they need to do so to come to that place of (hopefully) acceptance and (hopefully) understanding. I've always thought understanding and acceptance are separate and whilst understanding would be nice to have, acceptance is the more important (I think this requires it's own entry to flesh out!).
This patience can be especially difficult in dealing with family with whom there are many complexities after a lifetime of involvement. It may seem unfair that after such a struggle with coming to terms with our own sexuality and perhaps even being on the receiving end of some sort of abuse or discrimination, it is us who needs to be the adult and provide the role modelling and education for those around us. This, at times, requires us to put aside our personal emotional response to the way we have been received and treated and be somewhat detached. Easier said than done, and there are some of us who can't do that - and that is OK!
I'm starting to rabbit on and losing the plot of what I'm saying, which I guess is, sometimes being gay is hard work! Or do we just make it so?
4 comments:
It is hard work...at many times we become the "gay" educators of our families, communities, work places...just cause we are at times the only gays in the village!
You can link by using the little icon on the top..it looks like a horizontal spring
Thanks NSSG. I generally use Safari which does not have the hyperlink icon (and wouldn't allow me to use the keyboard to link), so I tried Firefox and that does have it so I have now linked!! Although I prefer Safari overall, so this is a pain. Are you aware of any reason for this or how it could be fixed? Thanks for sharing your technical know how. In many ways I'm still a luddite!
Congratulations on your first link!!!
Good post. I think we are educators, and frequently make it hard for ourselves because of self-doubt or loneliness. It is hard to be a good ambassador when we doubt our own validity.
Hey Campbell,
Thanks for the link :) I'm honoured.
And yeh, this education business sux, but someone has to do it. I don't want my parents labouring under false impressions on what/who I am, that's why I'm doing it.
And I don't think that the letter writing thing is especially selfish. It can often lead to a situation easier on both parties; you don't have to deal with their reaction and they don't have to see they are hurting/upsetting you with their reactions. So don't be too hard on youself lol.
Thanks again :)
Dan
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