Son arrived home this morning. He had a great time. We learnt a bit today of his time away, but as is his wont, information will come out in the days and weeks to come,. I have a feeling quite a few sentences will begin with “In America they……”. I’ve had a full couple of weeks, with mostly good things, but I have missed having him around.
I was over at my parents yesterday. I have mixed feelings about being with my parents. I like spending time with them because they’re getting older and who knows how long they will be here. When I do spend time with them however, it is highlighted for me how little they know of my life and how close we’re not. I know this is as much my doing as theirs. I grew up feeling that my parents didn’t listen to me and so I slowly withdrew. They’re now at that time in their lives when they are more able to listen (and have been for a while), but over the years I’ve withdraw so far from them that I don’t know how to let them know something of what’s going on in my life (and I’m not just talking of what I had for breakfast and the latest movie I’ve seen). I feel that if I did open up to them there is nearly 30 years of catching up that would be needed to occur.
I feel particularly distant from my father. I think part of that is because there is nothing we ‘do’ together. When I’m over there I help Mum in the garden, something that Dad isn’t into at all. So because I can’t ‘do’ anything with Dad, it makes ‘being’ with him difficult when there is little of any consequence that passes between us.
I used to be arrogant enough to think that I would have the ‘perfect’ relationship with my son, that we would have flawless communication and a ‘smooth’ relationship. I’ve gained enough wisdom to know that that won’t be the case. The difference I hope for in my adult-adult relationship with him over the relationship I have with my own parents is that he will be able to talk with me not only about what’s going on for him in his life, but also that we would be able to talk about our experience of him growing up, from his perspective as a child and from mine as a parent.
Learning from experience, that sort of adult-adult relationship requires open communication in the adult-child relationship. I’m hopeful for an ongoing positive relationship with my son.
9 comments:
campbell.. its been said before on here but I shall say it again.. you are a wise man. Good on you for keeping the communication lines with your son open. Parents? i think there are always issues.. some say its never too later to solve this.. but me, I say live and let live... sometimes we can win every battle. Its sad but perhaps we have to move on? Do you think Gay men have communication issues with their dads? You seem to, I do.. wonder if the others feel the same?
Hi Campbell,
Your post is marvelous and really hit home for me, in regards to trying to reestablish a relationship with your parents after almost 30 years. I’m working through a similar situation with my Mother at the present time, although the mental estrangement has been going on for a lot longer. I’m an only child who was verbally and physically abused by a domineering, self centered control freak who had the misnomer of “mom”. My Dad was busy earning a living, so consequently didn’t witness the continual barrage of insults and putdowns that she ladled out on a daily basis. The litany of her behavior throughout the years would give a team of psychiatrists fodder for eons. Due to shortsightedness and misguided hopes of a relationship, I moved into a house four blocks away from her 23 years ago. When my Dad was alive, maintaining an emotional distance wasn’t difficult, but since his death three years ago, everything has changed. She’s a lonely 84 year old woman desperately reaching out for friendship to the neighbors she shunned for 40-years as well as deluding herself that her relationship with me is a Norman Rockwell “mother-daughter” portrait. Upon occasion I’ll bring up some incident from the past to remind her that I haven’t forgotten her egregious behavior; she gives lip service to having made mistakes and immediately changes the subject. My mother is now “reaping what she sowed” for 65+ years though I don’t think she grasps that concept. Unfortunately I have to be in contact with her almost daily, but my detachment and lack of feeling is plain for everyone but her to see.
Try to keep the lines of communication open with your son. He may not want to give you a lengthy recitation of his experiences at the present time, but knowing that you’re there to listen and not be judgmental will go a long way in establishing a good relationship throughout the years. You may never have the familial ties you’d like your own parents but you can strive to change that with your own child.
Hi Campbell,
The way relationships with family members can change over time never ceases to amaze me, but I also think a lot of us have false expectations of how close we should be to our parents/siblings et al.
It really does sound like you have a great relationship with your son and you're also breaking a pattern that your grandfather probably passed onto your father (stifled communication). Oh let's go n have a beer and talk some more...
Hi Cuteguy,
Not so sure about this wisdom thing!
I agree about the moving on bit. I've come to accept that my relationship with my parents is what it is, and that's OK. Just every now and then I get a tad contemplative and wish it were different, but don't worry, I don't dwell there.
Miss L.,
I know that, in essence, I can't really complain about my relationship with my parents. I was not abused and I know that to all intents and purposes they love me and would 'be there' for my in their own way.
I was sorry to hear of your relationship with your mother, and congratulate you for caring for her in her old age, despite your history with her and your feelings for her. Many would not remain in contact with such a parent. I hope you manage to care for yourself within that relationship.
Nash, As I was writing the post, I was wondering if I had too high an expectation of my relationship with my parents. This leads me to wonder, do I have too high an expectation of my relationship with my son! hhhmmmm....the beer sounds good!
Hi Campbell,
Please don’t put me on a pedestal for my filial kindness…I just don’t want to be disinherited. Rather crass (materialistic??) but true.
Miss Litzi.. you would be pleased with our politians.. they want to reduce inheritance tax.. all of them.. in one form or the other! Where there is a vote...
Hi Cutectguy,
Funny you should mention that your politicians are trying to reduce inheritance taxes; in 2009 the U.S. Government will receive NO TAX dollars on any inherited monies. After that, it’s anybody’s guess about what’s going to transpire. Hmmm….
Inheritance taxes are a load of crap. An individual has already been taxed on the money, so why should the person(s) receiving it have to dole out more?
First round's on me!
well Campbell I reckon you have to cut your Dad a bit of slack. He comes from an age where men dont open up much. I used to think my Dad was a disinterested parent but I eventually realised he was just a really quiet guy who was determined not to be a 'Domineering Dad'. I ended up being remarkably close to my, now late, father. Try to find just one special thing you can do with him : Scrabble perhaps?
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