I broke up with my last partner nearly 16 months ago. I initiated the break up and he was devastated. We had been going out for about 9 months. He was a lovely guy, I just knew that the relationship didn't have what I wanted in something long term. I was also aware that he felt much more strongly about me than I did about him, so there was a sense of it being uneven. He took it quite badly. We saw each other a few times after we broke up, but I found it too uncomfortable knowing how he felt about me. I didn't have any contact for a while after Valentine's Day last year when he went what I considered overboard in letting me know how he felt. I thought he needed a total break from me for a while (if not permanently) so I didn't make contact with him until just after Christmas. I'd heard from mutual friends that he was doing much better and I'd had a couple of cards from him in that period. I'd like to remain friends if we can because he's a good man. You hear so many stories of ex-partners, especially gay ones, who remain friends after breaking up. I haven't managed to do it yet. The only ex-partner ('cause I've had so many.......NOT) I've managed to stay friends with is my ex-wife. Anyway back to most recent ex-partner! We saw each other a couple of weeks ago for the first time in about 12 months. I felt a bit uncomfortable because I reckon he still has feelings for me. Well today I got a card and a box of chocolates from him. The card told me I was still on his 'love chart'. Why do I feel uncomfortable about this? Can we remain friends while he still obviously has feelings for me? Should I acknowledge this valentine? Am I just stringing him along? I'd appreciate your thoughts on these questions fellow bloggers.
PS. It was actually chocolate coated marzipan - and I hate marzipan. I feel like such a bitch!!
4 years ago
5 comments:
I am no expert in this field either. But if you have made clear that your relationship as b/f's is over, and he is still, 12 months down the track, putting you on his "love chart", then I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. He has obviously not moved on (which he needs to do). If he has feelings for you when you've not seen him for ages, then remaining friends with him is just going to prolong his expectations. You're not a bitch! (actually, you sound like a really nice guy) :-)
Hmmm... I'd feel a bit uncomfortable too. However, I'd be honest and acknowledge the valentine and let him know, yet again, that he isn't on your love chart. If it really is a friendship you're after you should be able to show him this by your honesty and then hope that he understands. If he still doesn't, then the friendship isn't meant to be and maybe you're the one who has to let go of that notion. Gay friendships seem to be hard to form, but when they happen, there's that common bond that not too many other men get to share. Good luck with it.
Thanks for your kind words and validating my feelings of discomfort guys. I do have a sense that this is not going to work as a friendship only. You're right Muzbot, I need to be honest with him, then see how it goes.
Hi Campbell, just found your blog, its a good read, keep it up.
First of all, marzipan eeeewwwww!
The only way you can remain friends with someone is if there is no real attraction. I think everyone knows that when you're in someone's company who you have an attraction for, all you can think about is either jumping their bones, kissing them or holding their hands. In your mind you are friends, but in the back of his, there are other feelings. You may be laughing and carrying on and he may see that as you wanting to be back with him.
That's not to say you can't try being friends. Give him one more chance. Tell him exactly how you feel and listen to what he has to say. If you havent already, tell him why you broke up, lay everything out on the table, good or bad.
You sound like a really nice guy so I'm sure what ever you do will be the right thing. Good Luck!!
I think it has all been said. Friendship with an ex (I only have a couple) will be hard on both parties, but you are no longer responsible for his reaction or on-going feelings for you.
If you are honest and open, having an empathy for his feelings is OK, but becoming responsible for them is unfair on yourself.
My only recent, similar experience resolved over time, and I understand how hard it is to let go of feeling his problems are something you need to fix for him...
great post!
Cheers, Paul
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