To 'FB' or not to 'FB': that is the question.

Tonight I was looking forward to catching up with a guy whom I could really only call a fuck-buddy. I've been seeing him on and off since late last year, although have only seen him a couple of times this year so far. I don't know that I 'do' fb's very well. I think I get too involved with people I have sex with for too long. Unless someone has turned out to become a partner, I've really only had sex with the same person probably no more than three times. This guy is different. I know in my head that nothing will come of it because of various factors in his life, but I find myself disappointed when I don't see him for a while or when (as tonight turned out to be) we organise something and he needs to cancel last minute. You see, I actually quite like the lad! Should I feel that way if he is only an fb? Should I just put an end to it? Emotionally I probably should. On the flip side, it provides me with fantastic sex intermingled with good conversation and general fun! I guess I need to weigh up the two and see if I can take the 'good' (great sex and good fun) with the bad (feeling emotionally drained when I see him and for a while following) because I know I really want more with this man but it can't happen. I have to say at this point that he has not promised me anything, I can't say he is stringing me along.
This raises the whole question of sexual needs. Casual encounters certainly meet a need and I've had some great and hot times with guys. Ideally though, I prefer sex with guys I know. So can I have sex with a guy and not become emotionally attached to him, not start to imagine spending the rest of my life with him? Do I feel that way because I've been hardwired in some Judeo-Christian way or is it because of the essence of who I am?
Maybe these questions will be answered in time - and maybe not? It has just struck me that fb (fuck-buddy) is bf (boyfriend) backwards!!
So tonight, instead of hot sex, I went to my yoga class which I've recently started. I was very proud of myself because I managed a headstand!!

Stranger Than Fiction

I saw the movie 'Stranger than Fiction' today. I went knowing nothing about it, except that Will Ferrell was in it. I didn't know Emma Thompson was in it - that was a pleasant surprise as I am a fan of hers.
This is a very different film. At first I thought I wasn't going to like it, but then it got me hooked, although it did take a while for this to happen. I don't want to spoil it for anyone who might go and see it, so I won't talk about the story line. But it's a film that speaks of the importance of living life as though you know you don't have much of it to live, of the significance of the apparently ordinary things of life, of the urgency of doing what is important and right for you in life, of whether or not we have any control over our lives.
Just before the end I was in tears, but when it did end I started laughing. I'm not entirely sure why, perhaps partly out of relief, perhaps partly because there was a simplicity in the movie, despite it's complexity and different genre.
So I would recommend it, although you might have to give it some time.
Anyone else out there seen it yet? I'd be interested in others' views on it.

Linus and his blanket

I got a new beach towel for Christmas. I’ve had the one I’m currently using since I was about ten years old. For those you might need some help with the maths – that’s a loooong time!! It is a black and white striped one, a response to be a nominal Collingwood supporter as a child (Collingwood being a football team in the local code here in Melbourne). Despite having got the new towel for Christmas, I only just used it on the weekend. The old one is now very thin and very frayed around the edges with a few holes in spots. I washed it last week and my washing was full of black and white threads – worse than washing with a tissue in the load. I decided it was telling me something. Despite there being so little left of the towel, it holds so much in terms of memories – summers at the beach and at the pool. It’s gone to many parts of the country with me. I guess that’s why I was so reluctant to stop using it, but the time has come. I won’t toss it just yet. It’ll stay in my cupboard for a while before I decide it’s time to cut loose completely.
I don’t anticipate I’ll have the same sort of relationship with my new beach towel – I think those sort of relationships are only developed in one’s youth.
Hopefully this Linus can do without his blanket.

Unwanted Valentine?!?!?!

I broke up with my last partner nearly 16 months ago. I initiated the break up and he was devastated. We had been going out for about 9 months. He was a lovely guy, I just knew that the relationship didn't have what I wanted in something long term. I was also aware that he felt much more strongly about me than I did about him, so there was a sense of it being uneven. He took it quite badly. We saw each other a few times after we broke up, but I found it too uncomfortable knowing how he felt about me. I didn't have any contact for a while after Valentine's Day last year when he went what I considered overboard in letting me know how he felt. I thought he needed a total break from me for a while (if not permanently) so I didn't make contact with him until just after Christmas. I'd heard from mutual friends that he was doing much better and I'd had a couple of cards from him in that period. I'd like to remain friends if we can because he's a good man. You hear so many stories of ex-partners, especially gay ones, who remain friends after breaking up. I haven't managed to do it yet. The only ex-partner ('cause I've had so many.......NOT) I've managed to stay friends with is my ex-wife. Anyway back to most recent ex-partner! We saw each other a couple of weeks ago for the first time in about 12 months. I felt a bit uncomfortable because I reckon he still has feelings for me. Well today I got a card and a box of chocolates from him. The card told me I was still on his 'love chart'. Why do I feel uncomfortable about this? Can we remain friends while he still obviously has feelings for me? Should I acknowledge this valentine? Am I just stringing him along? I'd appreciate your thoughts on these questions fellow bloggers.
PS. It was actually chocolate coated marzipan - and I hate marzipan. I feel like such a bitch!!

Carnival

It was Midsumma Carnival here in Melbourne today. I wasn't able to go as I had other things on, but I remember my first time at Carnival. It was amazing to be around so many people who were just being themselves and didn't have to censor how they behaved and related to others. And there was such a diverse group of people - families, drag queens, bears and much, much, eye candy. And the amazing thing was that it wasn't in a pub or nightclub late at night, but outside in broad daylight! Whilst I have many questions about the 'Queer community', being at something like Carnival does make me feel part of a larger group and this is a good feeling. Long may it continue!

A Gay Old Workplace

I went out for drinks last night to celebrate a colleague getting a new job. It's a celebration for him and I am very happy for him, but I'll also miss him. J is the only other gay guy in our organisation - actually he's the only other guy (full stop) in our organisation. Yes it's a typical health service that is very female dominated. It's also a typical health service in that there are many gay people. At one stage about a quarter of the staff were gay. We are a reasonably small place - about 25 people - but still 25% is a good percentage. I feel fortunate to be able to work in a place where sexuality is not an issue and doesn't feel like a minority situation (almost). It's good not to feel you have to censor what you say and how you act - especially after so many years of 'being careful'.
In fact I started working there just after I came out - so I think the universe was looking after me by placing me in such an environment when life was all so different for me. There are a few people there who have become close friends and I will maintain contact with them when either they or I, leave. J will be one of those. In some ways he will still be a colleague as he is going to work for another health service that we work closely with, but we'll also stay in touch as friends which is great. Nevertheless, I will miss him at work.

Am I made for blogging?

Despite starting with good intentions - they have not come to fruition. I'm not sure that I'm made for blogging. I don't know how people make the time for it - I guess if it was a priority I would make the time. I seem to spend my time reading others' blogs, not to mention all the 'normal' activities of life like working and eating and breathing. I start back at Uni at the end of the month. I feel that I spent too much time on the computer doing non-study stuff last semester and it showed in my results, so I don't want that to happen again.
I also know how frustrating it is when I'm reading a blog regularly and there hasn't been a post for a while. I feel like I'm missing out on someone's life and find myself really hoping for an update. Maybe that's more a reflection of what's lacking in my own life!
Also I think too much about what to write, whereas if I wrote without thinking it wouldn't take as much time. It might also be more interesting as it may be more raw and dynamic, less ordered and formal. But that is me to a certain degree, although less so as I get older.
Anyway I'll give it another go, so please bear with me.