I was speaking to my mother on the phone this morning (when she rang at 9am on a Saturday morning – yes I was awake but still in bed!). I wanted to check something she had said the other day about some treatment she was having that confused me. In the course of the conversation she admitted to having fallen outside her neighbours house yesterday, which led to a general discussion about how she is feeling. At one point she said she thinks she’s ‘coming to the end of the road’. I didn’t quite know how to respond to this. I smothered my immediate response, which was to deny that – I hate it when people deny others’ feelings (and this statement was one of feeling as much as thought). There was enough of a pause for her to say ‘Go on, say it, what else can you expect’. I was honestly able to say that wasn’t what I was thinking. She then saved the moment by moving the conversation on.
The problem is I do think she is coming to the end of the road. Not that I think she is imminently dying. But she is coming to the end of the road as she knows it. The road of independence, of not being constricted by her body. I guess she’s come to the bend in the road called old age.
She’s finding it hard and I don’t know the best way to support her at this time.
5 comments:
I am having the same dilemma with my mother, who also fell over recently, but flat on her face and broke her nose. She lives in Melbourne, I live in Sydney, my only sibling (a brother) lives in Hong Kong. Not easy.
Hi Campbell,
What you’re starting to undergo now is “elderly parents” syndrome. You may find that the parent/child roll has become reversed and you’re having to emotionally (if not physically) care for your Mom and Dad.
My mother fell down in her house last year and broke her hip and arm. After hip replacement surgery, she spent a month in a hospice healing and learning how to avoid further injury to herself. When she returned home, I had to do her errands and see to it that she was okay on a daily basis. She was still experiencing pain, but thrived on all the attention she was receiving from her neighbors and me. The adage that “caretakers must take care of themselves” became de rigueur, though I failed to heed it.
Your Mom may truly not want to face being “old” and indeed feels that she’s near the end of her life. This mental position could have been brought on by her recent visit to a friend in the hospital who’s not doing too well. Or it might be a stratagem to engender sympathy or more attention from you.
The difficulties of aging parents are part of life’s pleasures…
Your already doing the right thing in not denying her feelings, the main thing you can do is listen, not try and 'fix' everything...
My gran is at the same place now (shes 87) you hit the nail on the head when you said 'the road of independance' ... it is a hard thing to lose
the most annoying thing I find with her children & some of my siblings is they either talk as if she is not in the room, or talk loudly and slowly as if she's lost the plot...
It is by no means an easy time for her or yourself. I found in my case I treat her as I always have, maintain the same roles and I am always honest about where she is at.
There is no best way, but the fact you are trying to understand and to be there will mean heaps to her Campbell
I became my mother's carer when my father died after a short illness. She had Alzheimers but was still independent enough to live at home. She has deteriorated since and now is in a nursing home. As Litzi wrote, roles are reversed and now I act as the parent for her.
I do all the 3 things in the cartoon already and I am under 50 !!
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