I've just finished reading DH Lawrence's most controversial book. Synchronous to this, last night I watched The Chatterley Affair on the ABC. It was a fictional account of the court hearing to determine whether or not Lady Chatterley's Lover could be published in England. It was a very clever piece, with the story of the book being played out by two of the jurors. Keith, a working class man, has an affair with Helena, a middle class divorcee. For a couple of weeks they explore the depths of physical sensuality and sexuality, knowing it is something they cannot have perpetually. Keith is married and his wife is pregnant. You get the impression that this is a metamorphosis for Keith. He knows there are things he doesn't know, experiences he hasn't experienced, but doesn't quite know how these might be manifest. Helena is more worldly wise than Keith and, one suspects, has had more experience of the fullness that life has to offer, but knows that it is transient and one must make the most of every opportunity when that fullness of life comes knocking at your door. Their affair lasts only the length of the trial and then Keith goes back to his wife and Helena, we learn, does end up marrying someone else.
For me, Lady Chatterley's Lover was, among other things, a story about two people who did not let the constraints that the circumstance of life had placed them in do exactly that, constrain them so as not to experience all that life has to offer them. To experience all that life was offering them, they had to allow themselves to be the person they were, regardless of the class, time and gender they found themselves in.
I got to thinking about my own life. When I came out as a gay man in my early 30s, many people commented on how brave I was to do such a thing. I guess they thought being married with a child made it that much more a courageous act. I certainly didn't feel brave. For me, it had got to the point where I felt I had no choice but to do this. I had been struggling with this for a while, so long that there was only one option left for me. Yes, I could have gone on as I was, but there would have been a kind of death (not literally) for me that would have meant life would have been a sort of vacuum. I know in reality this didn't have to be the case, but that is how I felt at the time and for a while after. I would have felt much braver coming out at an earlier age, before I had commenced down a path that I felt was expected of me, to have said no to those external (and internalised) expectations and tried being truer to myself, and hence, others.
I would like to live a braver life and be truer to myself, regardless of what others might think.
4 comments:
I think that coming out, at whatever age and in whatever circumstances, is a very brave thing! I was in the same mind when I finally decided to do it...I knew that if I didn't come out, it would be like a living death.
Hi Campbell,
I agree with Monty that your coming out was brave and I believe it was the morally correct thing to do. To continue to live under false pretenses would have been abysmal for not only you but your wife and son. Your unhappiness would have manifested itself in a myriad of small ways which would have eventually made everyone miserable.
A lot of people are following an unwritten script of how to lead their lives that was established for them by their parents or society. They become bitter and angry and often spiral downward into depression which can lead to the abuse of alcohol or drugs as an escape from the pain of their reality. Your honesty and forthrightness is to be commended.
It’s taken me almost 60 years to realize that you have to like yourself before you can begin to have any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone else. No one can make you feel worthwhile if you don’t honestly believe yourself to be.
This is a marvelous thought provoking post. Thank you for sharing some of your more personal feelings with us….
Hi Campbell,
Nice post. There's a lot to be said for personal integrity and that's what you have
Hi Campbell,
I'm new to your place, but I will certainly be back. I enjoyed this post for its rawness and searing honesty. And yes, you have absolute integrity and that is a quality sadly lacking in many people today.
And, I absolutely love that book - it's one of my favourites :)
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